Chat it up with Nader
Monday, October 11, 2004
NEWS ITEM: President Bush and his wife and Sen. John Kerry and his wife separately appeared on the "Dr. Phil" show. In addition, Kerry has appeared on "Live With Regis and Kelly." Today, it's Ralph Nader's turn.
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DR. PHIL: I'm glad to have as my guest today Ralph Nader, independent candidate for president. As you know, I have a new book out, "Family First: Your Step-by-Step Program for Creating a Phenomenal Family," available at bookstores and on Amazon.com and wherever books or groceries or clothing or anything is sold. And to explore Family First, where best to start that with the families that hope to be our first families. I've already had President Bush and his lovely wife Laura on the show. And I spent an hour with Sen. John Kerry and his lovely wife Theresa. Today, we have Ralph Nader. Thanks for joining us today, Ralph.
NADER: Call me Mr. Nader, please.
DR. PHIL: I'm sensing some hostility, Ralph. What was your relationship with your father?
NADER: Dr. Phil, I came on the show to talk about how our political system is broken and rife with corruption, and you're asking me about my father?
DR. PHIL: Ralph, please, let go of your pain.
NADER: The only pain I'm feeling is the headache I'm getting from listening to you.
DR. PHIL: Again with the hostility. I'm going to tell you, Ralph, I've been watching you and I've just met you, but I think I can get to the bottom of your problem.
NADER: I don't have any problems.
DR. PHIL: Denial just isn't a river in Egypt, Ralph. What I think is you have a deep-seated desire for people to love you and accept you and that you're running for president to validate those feelings ...
NADER: No, I'm running for president to call attention to the fact that our political system is hopelessly broken and corrupt ...
DR. PHIL: Personally, Ralph, I think it's a cry for help. Running for president, as I've pointed out on my previous, highly rated show, is one of the signs of a potential serial killer. You're exhibiting seven of the signs. Jeffrey Dahmer only presented five ...
NADER: What are you talking about?
DR. PHIL: You know, I tell fat people that they're fat because they want to be fat. You're running for president because you want to run for president. It's a cry for help. Don't you see?
NADER: I have no idea what you're talking about.
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OPRAH: Welcome, girlfriends, to a very special show. My guest today, independent presidential candidate Ralph Nader.
NADER: Thanks for having me, Oprah.
OPRAH: You look fabulous, Ralph. Have you been working out? Doing pilates, maybe?
NADER: I've been running for president, Oprah.
OPRAH: Yes, you have. That's very special. Now, I understand that you live a life on the verge of poverty.
NADER: Well, Oprah, I live very simply, if that's what you mean.
OPRAH: Well, I have a surprise for you. A NEW CAR! YOU GET A CAR!
NADER: Oprah, I'm very flattered, but I don't need a car.
OPRAH: But it's a Pontiac, Ralph.
NADER: Oprah, that particular model has scored poorly in crash tests, and its gas mileage is poor, at best. Additionally, there have been problems with the air bags and it performed poorly in federal side crash tests. I'd be more than glad to accept your gift, but what you're giving me is a wasteful death trap that, if it doesn't kill me, will certainly lead to the early demise of this planet ...
OPRAH: Such a gloomy Gus. Turn that frown upside down!
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CARSON: Tonight, on "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy," we face perhaps our biggest challenge, Ralph Nader.
NADER: Glad to be here to be able to tell your audience about how our political system is broken ...
CARSON: Speaking of broken, where'd you get those shoes? My God, man, I didn't think they even made shoes that ugly.
KYAN: And that haircut. What does your barber use, a Weed Whacker?
CARSON: That suit might have been stylish around the turn of the century — the 18th century — but it's just horrible.
NADER: You know, I'm here to talk about politics. My appearance doesn't matter.
CARSON: Well, that's obvious.
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REGIS: Welcome to the show. Kelly, you're looking fine this a.m.
KELLY: Thanks, Reeg. We have Ralph Nader here. I'm not sure I know who Ralph Nader is.
REGIS: He's running for president, Kelly.
KELLY: I haven't seen any of his TV ads. Is he the guy from Texas or the guy with the horse face?
REGIS: Neither one, Kelly. He's an independent.
KELLY: Wow! That's so interesting!
REGIS: OK, come on out, Ralph.
NADER: Glad to be here.
REGIS: That suit! I love that suit!
KELLY: You're really tall, Mr. Nader. How tall are you?
NADER: Um, I'd like to talk about efforts to get my name on the ballot in places like Pennsylvania ...
REGIS: Pennsylvania! I love Pennsylvania and those wacky Amish people with their horses and buggies! I love it!
KELLY: But they dress so plainly. Is there something wrong with a little color?
NADER: I'm, uh, not sure ...
REGIS: This is fascinating! I wish we had more time! Thanks for coming, Ralph! Good luck with whatever it is you're trying to do!
Mike Argento, whose column appears Mondays and Thursdays in Living and Sundays in Viewpoints, can be reached at 771-2046 or at firstname.lastname@example.org.Read more Argento columns at ydr.com/mike.